I am happy to report that yesterday's OB appointment was uneventful. Angie's blood pressure is back in the normal range, and absent any consistent high readings from home, we are done for now with the elevated-threat-every-two-week appointment and back to every four weeks. So, the next appointment isn't until the end of February, at which time Angie will be just shy of 25 weeks, not that I am obsessing over that particular gestational age or anything... gulp.
I also had a weird unexpected emotional surge come over me during the doppler-portion of the appointment. The OB was maneuvering around Angie's stomach to find the baby's heartbeat (which was a beautiful 140 bpm) and it seemed like the baby was trying to kick at the doppler. The OB mentioned this, and Angie smiled and said, yeah, it feels like she is trying to kick it. All of a sudden I get all teary-eyed. A very small part of the emotional-wave was jealousy, that I wasn't the one who was feeling my baby inside of me, but mostly I just felt so, so grateful and indebted to Angie. It all just felt so REAL at that moment.
I think I have mentioned in this blog before, how I can't really get my hopes up that this is all going to work out in the end. I can't really let myself believe that I will get to take home a big, fat, healthy, full-term baby in June. That said baby is living and kicking inside my sister's belly right at this moment. That Angie is enduring some not-so-fun pregnancy symptoms (some of which she chronicled in her last post) and really putting her own health at risk, in a way, to help me realize my dream of a healthy full-term baby. That she is taking such great care of her and protecting her every day. It just all came crashing down on me at once.
Angie is not a very emotive person, so I don't really talk to her about the crazy emotions of this situation, but I just felt like I needed to say something. So, on the ride home from the appointment I said, "uh, thanks again for doing this." She just laughed at me and then told me I needed to get my eyebrows waxed ASAP and to use her frequent client card so she could get her next one free.
2 comments:
Erin,
You're amazing. I marvel at your honesty and ability to discuss such big fears and feelings. As someone along for your ride, it seems only normal to be at once awed by your sister's gift and envious of the experience. Your medical journey with Fletcher has impacted all of us. The 20-30 week range means something different to your friends and family who waited for every update and picture - both endearing and heartbreaking. How could that experience not mold how you experience any pregnancy? My hope is that at some point, your mind will ease and allow you feel with abandon all of the hope, joy and love of the expectant mom.
much love from houston, catherine
Thanks for my daily tearing up! Angie, you are priceless. For both your sense of humor and carrying SFB.
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